OMG!要开工了！

时光飞逝，90天的产假就这样接近尾声了。。。
2月13日就是我开工的日子。。。

这90天，甜酸苦辣，尝尽了。。。
撇开坐月子的一个月，
余下的两个月也有着蛮不同的人生经验。。。

有时候我是全职主妇，照顾两小兼顾他们的早午晚餐。。。
这时候，就好像和时光赛跑，
帮大的冲凉后，就到小的；
准备大的早餐后，就喂小的喝奶；
准备游戏让大的玩，就让小的睡觉；
小的醒后，就让两个一起玩。
午餐后，就让两兄弟一起午睡；
好运的话，我也可以小休，
不然一个睡了，一个不睡；
或这个睡了，那个醒了。。。
午休后，就吃下午茶，
再来帮两兄弟冲凉，
然后煮食，
过后如果时间尚早，就一起去一趟游乐场，
晚上，一倒在床上就不省人事了。。。
可怜的老公，多了一个孩子，少了一个老婆。。。

玮栋上学的日子，我就优哉游哉，
只需要照顾小的。
上网，收拾家里，追连续剧，跟小的玩。。。
哇塞，爽！
但，有时候，也是超闷的。。。
与小的大眼望小眼，
心里想念大的。。。
每到傍晚，就等着老公归来，
载着我们到家公家婆家接玮栋及用膳。

这两个月，也是磨炼我的脾气的时光，
学习如何照顾孩子们的情绪，
学习如何做个好妈妈，
让我体会家庭主妇的艰辛。

这两个月也让我看到了自己亲手照顾的玮哲的成长。
他小颈项已蛮稳定了，趴着的时候，还可以转来转去的。
他会笑了，还很叽喳，会看着你与你不停地对话。

哥哥虽变回像小孩子一样，
需要很多很多爱，
跟着我寸步不离地，
还时常为了引人注目而作出让人生气的事，
但，还是我的乖孩子。
我及一千号忙着的时候，
他会帮忙照顾弟弟，
唱歌给弟弟听，跟弟弟讲话，摇弟弟，喂弟弟吃奶嘴。
他也常常对我说：“妈咪，我爱你！”“妈咪，我sayang你！”

我珍惜，我感谢这些非同凡响的经验。
我感谢一切一切。

两次心痛

产后第五天 ~ 19.11.2011

今天是玮哲复诊的日子
虽然才出世五天(实际上是四天)出院两天
但因为和我一样是G6PD的小孩，容易患有黄疸
所以医生要他提早复诊，确保万事OK

医生一见玮哲，就断定他有“黄”
做了几步检查
就告诉我们需带他去验血
确定“黄”的程度
如超过12，就需立即进院
否则星期一再复诊，抽令一次血

带着脆弱微小的玮哲，走进实验室
里头有几个人在等候
护士见了孩子，就寻求其他病人同意
让玮哲先抽血

坐在椅子上，护士要我抱紧玮哲
就脱掉他的脚袜
我不敢看，唯有看着睡在我怀里熟睡的孩子
“pop”一声，刺了他脚一个洞
然后将血一滴一滴地挤压出来

玮哲被惊醒了
哭得很凄惨
哭得连眼泪也留了出来

我心疼得揪着 痛
眼泪在眼眶里打转
一直抱紧孩子
一直念：“玮哲乖，妈咪sayang”
重复了再重复

爸爸站在一旁，提着妈咪的手提包
眉头深锁
之后一直念：“可怜的孩子，要喝多少奶才会产生那么多血啊！”

一旁等候的人们
在护士替玮哲抽血时
都伸长颈项看
每个人都给予玮哲一种同情的眼神

验血报告出炉，他的“黄”的程度在11.6
想到星期一的他需要再做令一次抽血
心里一千个一万个不愿意
但，没办法

X X X X X

玮栋从弟弟出世后一直都很乖
妈咪在喂弟弟喝奶时
都不会干扰
会自己静静地玩
偶而会与妈咪说说话

现在的他，特别多话
表演欲超强，动作特大，特夸张
心里知道，他所做的一切都是因为要引起我们的关注

我尽量尝试不断地与他互动
不时告诉他：妈咪爱他，亲他，拥抱他

他这两天开始，常要求我抱他
“I want mummy carries 玮栋...”
但，爸爸告诉他，妈咪需要休息，吃多多东西，一个月后才可以抱他
他似乎很懂事地跟着说：“Mummy cannot carries 玮栋. Mummy needs to rest...eat food..then only mummy can carry 玮栋...”

晚上，将弟弟交给陪月阿姨后
爸爸要替玮栋换睡衣
玮栋东拉西扯
后来妈咪说要替他换，他说要爸爸
妈咪不以为意，就进了厕所

这时听见爸爸要替他换睡衣
玮栋耍脾气，不肯换
爸爸硬来
玮栋开始不停地哭
要将睡衣脱掉，要妈咪重新替他穿

妈咪出来，哄他，尝试跟他说道理
他都不依，继续哭，要求这个那个
后来，我坐在床上，说了一句：“Come, mummy sayang!”
他走了过来，靠在我脚边
我抚摸他的头，他不要
抓着我的手，往他放在我脚上的手扫，说：“Mummy sayang like that!”

扫着他的手，他慢慢地静了下来
我经不住将令一只手，再抚摸他的头
这一模，又一次地让他的眼泪像短线的珍珠般缓缓留下
嘴里坚持我只扫他的手，不要摸他的头

他，似乎压抑了很久
而头部像敏感部位
一旦被触动，就会崩溃

依他的意愿，我只扫他的手
口里一直告诉他：“Mummy sayang 玮栋。 Mummy love 玮栋。”
又一次地将他安抚下来。

妈咪一直想让玮栋知道，爸爸妈咪对他的爱，没有因为弟弟的到来而减少
不经意的哼了：
“I love you, you love me...we are happy family, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too...”

一听完这首歌
玮栋又再一次抽泣
不要我唱了，只要我扫他

看到他的反应，我的心又痛了
泪也忍不住一直留下

玮栋啊！玮栋
你到底压抑了多久呢?
妈咪懂你很乖
懂你很努力地尝试做大哥
懂你尝试做好孩子
懂你尽量不干扰妈咪
懂你很渴望妈咪可以像抱弟弟般抱你
懂你很想妈咪像平常般陪你玩
懂你懂事得虽然很想，但，不会开口或勉强妈咪。。。

玮栋啊！玮栋
妈咪要怎样做才可以让你知道
妈咪依然很爱你，疼你
这份爱，这份疼
并没有因为弟弟的到来而减少

你别感觉无助
你别感觉傍惶
妈咪爱你
妈咪会一直在你身旁爱你，护你，支持你

玮哲来了

3.00pm，进了产房，护士看我笑眯眯地，就很讽刺地说，等阵痛来时，看你还笑不笑得出。。。再检查子宫口，没进步，还是只开了4cm。躺在床上，与老公时而谈天，时而对望，耳里听到隔壁产房，时而传来呼吸“gas”声(我不懂那是什么，只知道护士说，吸了会减少疼痛感。。。)，及隔壁产妇的丈夫与护士高谈阔论声。。。应该也是一对年轻夫妇吧。。。

5.00pm，医生来了，先检查隔壁的产妇，听到医生说，开了7cm。之后，医生来了，检查我，只开了5cm,医生建议催生，我们同意。一打针没多久，阵痛开始频密了。护士坚持我吸gas，我反对，想靠自己“学习”地呼吸法不靠药物减少疼痛。坚持了几次，拗不过那护士，被逼吸gas。。。吸着gas,并不觉得特别有效。。。闭着眼，紧握着老公，疼痛侵袭时，心里算着，吸1234567890，呼1234567890。。。

耳里又传来隔壁产妇地呻吟声，护士的指导声。。。听到那产妇，一直要求放弃自然生，要开刀。。。而她的丈夫不但没有温柔以待，反而大声斥骂，说什么：“痛一点点罢了，忍着吧！”“你为什么那么没用，要最后一分钟放弃？”“你整天都是这样，不坚持到底。。。什么都半途而废。。。”

我痛着，但，真的很想站起来，走过去隔壁产房，掴那丈夫几巴掌，什么是痛一点点?这是什么时候，让你教训老婆?

这时候，听到我的护士大声对隔壁护士说：“嘿！有进展，有进展，看起来是我这边先生勒。。。”

打了针大概一小时后，“那感觉”来了，护士赶忙将医生叫来，护士医生都叫我，不要push先，但，这，那是我能控制的呢?感觉到医生在剪什么地。。。“那感觉”又来了，再push一下，意外地听到玮哲宏亮地哭声。。。

开心过后，又战战兢兢了，我最害怕的时刻是让医生将胎盘推出来。。。我觉得那痛，比阵痛更痛。。。又一轮呻吟，挣扎。。。胎盘推出了，伤口缝好了。。。医生也到了隔壁房，准备迎接令一个小生命。。。

这时候的我，突然发冷，冷得整身麻痹了，颤抖，动弹不得。。。护士替我盖了三层被，还是不够。。。冷得我昏昏沉沉地，进到病房，。。。感觉到家公家婆还有玮栋来了，就是睁开不了眼睛。。。

还好，休息了将近两小时，醒了，精神也好了，一切又恢复正常了。。。吃了晚餐，就继续地Zzzz...Zzzz..Zzzz....

要生了！

11月15日

早上，因为时间紧凑，吃了一个没弄烧的隔夜烧包。
之后7.30am，上车要送玮栋去爷爷嬷嬷家时，感觉到肚子微痛。
老公揶谕我说，看好自己，不要阵痛来了，也朦查查地。。。

7.40am，一路上，肚子抽一下，一下地。。。脑海里漂浮着老公的话。

7.50am，一到家公家婆家，告诉一千号带玮栋下车，告诉玮栋妈咪肚子不舒服，就立刻跑进厕所，又坐又呕。肚子又开始痛了。家婆在外面蛮着急地，问我ok吗?我说，还好！

出来后，家公家婆建议我拿病假，不要走来走去，去参加顾客的新厂开幕式。。。肚子没痛了，我思索了一下，没答应亦没反对，只告诉他们我休息一下，看看情况如何。

8.00am，才陪玮栋吃早餐一会儿，肚子又痛了，跑进厕所感觉想呕，但没东西出来。出来后，家公家婆又紧张了，告诉玮栋弟弟要出来了。我说：“没有，没有！弟弟十二月才出来！妈咪的工还没做完！妈咪可能吃错东西了！”但，心里却有点忧虑，玮栋就是在我怀孕36周4天出世的。。。今天，刚好是我怀孕36周4天。。。

为了解除家公家婆的忧虑，告诉他们我不去参加开幕式了，我去医院检查。家公要载我去，我坚持不要，怕没啥事，很丢脸，也怕麻烦他老人家。家婆还是很担心我一个人驾车，我告诉她会将电话放在触手可及的地方。

8.10am，上车时，肚子又开始隐隐作痛，我忍着，强颜欢笑地向家公家婆玮栋挥手说再见。

8.20am，在路上，肚子又开始抽着了。打电话给老公，他也开始紧张，要载我去看医生，但，被我拒绝了。

8.30am，咦，怎么没痛了？

8.40am，没有动静。。。嗯，那我还需要去医院吗?还是转去开幕式？还是回公司做工?

8.50am，要到医院了，要去看医生吗?唉！去吧！去吧！要给全部人一个交代。

9.00am，到了医院。去了妇产科，告诉护士症状，护士说：“嗯！It's contraction...you go to 3rd floor to check baby heartbeat...”我听了，OMG！！！

(待续)

感动我的文字。。。

Nothing prepares you for motherhood. Suddenly you have all this responsibility and there is no room for failure. (Extracted from Women Weekly, Amy Mastura)

是真的呀！朦朦懂懂的我做了妈。还来不及准备也不懂如何学习，我又做了一年多的妈。一天一脚步，无时无刻的学习做妈。希望自己不会是太差的妈吧!

Single, married and married with child...

Facebook is a IN thing nowadays. Almost everybody has their Facebook to get connect with friends, classmates, schoolmate (know or not so familiar), colleagues and etc etc. From Facebook u can peek into others life so easily if your friends always update their status and photos.

I like to browse through my friends’ page each time i log into the Facebook. Looking at their life are so fantastic, are so much excitement, are so eventful, are so energetic. Those single and available, those married without a child, they travelled around the country and the world, they attended all sort of event, they participated in almost all gathering organised by anybody, they are pursuing their dream by going overseas, for study, for working holiday, for...

With all these, sometimes i feel a little bit down looking at my own life. It is a routine, from Monday to Sunday, without excitement and spice. My freedom is limited being a mother, i can’t go anywhere and anytime i want as need to think about the baby. (Hubby is good enough and gives me lots of freedom. Sometimes it is just that my own natural feeling of responsible that can’t let me go out freely without the feeling og guiltiness)

My ability to attend all the gatherings and parties also limited caused i have married to Johor – a state which is 400km away from my home town –KL. Whenever i have chance to go home, be it long or short holiday, family members will always expect me to spend my time with them, and again, the feeling of guiltiness arise again if i go out with friends.

Because of all these GUILTINESS and because i am not a good social butterfly, i have lost touch with so many friends.

I am now just an ordinary woman who sometimes feels satisfy (sometimes not) looking at the growing son and a very good husband.

Good Friend’s Wedding...

Good friend - FM in University has informed us earlier that her wedding will be held on 23 January 2010. Though the venue is far at Beruas, have been thinking that to attend the wedding with two others good friend with one stays at Johor, Kek (same with me) and the other at Malacca (CG). I / We?! have been thinking that Big Bear (Kek’s hubby) will drive and we will pick CG up when on the way to Beruas...However, the beautiful plan always doesn’t work so perfectly...

Few weeks later have been informed by Kek that Big Bear’s very very good friend also held his wedding on the same day...and he is not able to fetch us up while Kek’s also needs to attend company’s dinner on a day before.

The plan was totally ruin and i was totally no idea what to do and how to go. At the same time, get to know that mum’s medical report will be release on 28 Jan of which i definitely need to go up to KL. In heart i have already prepared the trip will not be materialise.

When called FM, she told us that we are her only “jie mei” (sister who accompany the bride to the groom’s house), and this made me changed my mind again. I was figured out hardly what to do in order to attend FM’s wedding. Try to convince Kek that FM needs us more than Big Bear’s friend needs him (very selfish act) but failed, try to convince Kek to let go her annual dinner and she agrees but her boss doesn’t allow as she is the committee member cum MC of the day.

Kek asked me to go with CG a day before and she will try to come on Sat but i rejected the idea. If go, three must go together and we must attend two functions. My insist is mainly due to i want the trip be more valuable as to attend the wedding, there are quite a number of arrangements and consideration i have to make. If i am away, my hubby and baby need to move to PIL’s house which mean it will trouble two parties. And since the date of the planned trip to Beruas and to KL is too near, this made me adamant. Also, if need to take public transport, we need to stop by Malacca to join CG and take another bus to Ipoh, and from there to take taxi to Beruas. The long journey makes me worry. Both good friends can have a good night rest after the trip but i need to take care my baby and to do some cleaning after few days not at home and need to work on Monday. I am really afraid i am not able to cope it.

I hope all my Good Friends can understand my situations.

Later, my good friends told me that they may hire a taxi to Beruas (from Malacca) and this will cost about RM550 (one way) and we will need to take bus to go back home on second day. Though it is a bit pricey and hubby is quite concern of my safety (but let me decide my own want ), i decide to join the trip since we are able to attend FM’s day time event which she needs us most. Again, nothing is smooth, before i inform my good friends my decision, i have received a call from mum that she will officially move to new house on 24 Jan. And, under this circumstances, i think my mummy need me more by going back to KL i can celebrate my mum’s birthday as well which falls on 25 Jan.

And, i still feel i have miss the chance to have a trip with my good friends and afraid that my good friends will blame me for not able to join in the event. =(